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Fred Thompson: A Terrible Actor

Posted by Scott Ott on Saturday, December 29, 2007 9:14:34 AM
by Scott Ott

Fred Thompson is a terrible actor.

Perpetually ill-at-ease in front of the camera, his head shakes ceaselessly sending tsunamis of flesh rolling along his ample jowels. He clears his throat so frequently you'd think he had a toothpick wedged in his glottis crosswise. He ought to consider a tracheotomy. He doesn't smile often. When he does children cry.

When speaking off-the-cuff, his deliberate pacing turns sound bites into feature-length films. When posing for pictures his face betrays that he'd rather be getting acupuncture on his eyeball. His towering frame guarantees that most impromptu TV shots will angle up, distorting his head into a shape reminiscent of a honey-baked ham. 

In the game of presidential campaigning, where appearing slick and unruffled while wading through a pool of mutant pirahna is a prerequisite, Fred Thompson just can't do it. He can't act.

Oddly enough, he's the only candidate with significant dramatic credits in the Internet Movie Database (unless you count John McCain's cameo as an office staffer in an episode of '24' and his hosting of Saturday Night Live).

If you've seen Fred Thompson act in movies and on TV, you know he's no slouch. He gets paid good money to convince people that he's a general, an admiral, a district attorney, or even the president of the United States. In real life, it took him four months to convince people that he was even running for president.

Perhaps it's solidarity with striking Hollywood writers which prevents him from "crossing the picket line" and exercising his thespian gift as he campaigns.

Or maybe Fred Thompson just feels in his bones that this endeavor is too serious for stagecraft. Maybe he's trying his level best to be the person he is, so America knows what to expect from their president.

Even Ronald Reagan's closest associates never saw a man the rest of us didn't know.

You might disagree with Fred Thompson's stance on immigration or defense. You might quibble with his philosophy of federalism. But behind the closed door of the Oval Office, most Americans want a president whose Secret Service bodyguard could write a tell-all memoir so devoid of revelations it would sell poorly even on the "bargain" table at Barnes & Noble.  

He may never 'get his act together', or master the performance art of politics. But America doesn't need a president who seems to be.

Fred Thompson is. 

And perhaps that's not so terrible.

Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly daily news satire site, contributing author of the forthcoming book "The New Media Frontier" (Sept. 2008, by Crossway), and a dynamic public speaker available through Premiere Speakers Bureau.
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The Call That Couldn't Wait

Posted by Scott Ott on Friday, December 28, 2007 6:19:43 PM
by Scott Ott

Picture this: You're the president of a highly-unstable, nuclear-weaponized Muslim nation, where al Qaeda roams freely over vast stretches of your territory. This morning, a political opponent, the former prime minister in fact, gets assassinated and her killer slaughters two dozen others in the process just 13 days before a national election. 

You don't know yet who did it -- whether it's a strike meant to settle a running political feud, or a calculated effort to disrupt the elections. It might even be the start of something bigger, perhaps a brazen coordinated power grab that will send you packing, or to the grave. Her supporters are calling for your head. They assume you're behind the plot.

With all this terror and uncertainty on your plate, your assistant rushes in with an urgent message. 

Assistant: Mr. President, John Edwards wants you to call him ASAP.

Pakistani President: John?

Assistant: Edwards, sir...the former U.S. Senator from North...Dakota or Carolina...one of the North states.

President: You mean the guy who was almost...

Assistant: Vice president...yes sir.

President: With the hair?

Assistant: Yes, sir.

President: As you can see, I'm in the middle of perhaps the worst crisis of my political life. I need to assure the world that our nuclear arsenal is secure, quell rioting in the streets, decide whether to postpone the elections, change all my travel plans for my own safety and launch an investigation into the assassination. Why should I interrupt all of this to call Senator...

Assistant: Former Senator...

President: Former Senator Edwards...why call him now?

Assistant: He says it's urgent, sir. 

President: Does he have a lead, a clue in the assassination plot?

Assistant: No, Edwards doesn't have a clue.

President: (UNINTELLIGIBLE).

Assistant: He says the Iowa caucuses...

President: Iowa?

Assistant: You know, Field of Dreams.

President: Ah, yes. People will come. Love that movie.

Assistant: Yes, well, the Iowa caucuses are next week, and he'd like to just chat with you and give you some advice.

President: Wow. Are you serious? I can't believe a one-term former senator and failed vice presidential candidate is willing to take time out of his busy campaign schedule to talk with me today. Hand me that phone.

Assistant: Is that sarcasm, sir?

President: Why would you think that?

Assistant: Here's the phone, sir.

President: Don't interrupt me for anything...unless of course, Barack Obama calls. 

Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly daily news satire site, contributing author of the forthcoming book "The New Media Frontier" (Sept. 2008, by Crossway), and a dynamic public speaker available through Premiere Speakers Bureau.

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Bhutto Killing Puts EuroLeaders On Notice: Time to Choose

Posted by Scott Ott on Friday, December 28, 2007 10:05:16 AM
by Scott Ott

The assassination of Benazir Bhutto has put on notice the leaders of every European nation. 

Your secularism, your democracy will not stand. The growing Muslim populations in your own lands that you have done so much to tolerate, protect and celebrate, will soon rise up against you. Sharia law shall become your law. The Caliph shall rule you. 

It remains only for you to choose submission or assassination.

This bullet to the neck of democracy in Pakistan should cause a twinge in the carotid artery of each leader in France, Britain, Germany, Belgium, Italy, Greece...name them all.

The assassin, strapped with bombs and carrying a firearm, stood amidst a cheering throng and took aim at the only major symbol of liberalism and democratic reform in the Islamic world. As the mortally-wounded woman slumped through the sunroof, the happy hunter detonated himself to send a clear message that no security cordon can protect those who rise to oppose jihad.

Cling, if you will, to your professors who drone on about the legitimate grievances of oppressed peoples who wish only to be left alone. Your cartridge clicks into the chamber. 

Sing yourself to sleep each night with an ode to peaceful co-existence. The crosshairs find your throat.

Cup your hands over your ears to muffle the unthinkable warnings. The finger squeezes the trigger.

As you mount the rostrum to decry the slaying and call for calm in Pakistan, do you wonder whether your security detail could stop him?

As you send your condolences to the grieving widower, the shattered supporters and the tottering Pakistani president, himself a target of previous assassination attempts, do you have a strategy for negotiating with those who embrace murderous martyrdom?

Which will you choose -- submission or assassination?

Take your time deciding, but know this:  The bullet hurtles onward.


Disclaimer: Scott Ott decided not to add a disclaimer to this column stating that he's an America-loving conservative Christian who deplores the jihad ideology, because he didn't want to soften the impact of these words.
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